i am looking for the funniest joke ever! Dirty and racist jokes are okay. I will choose the best joke!
Answer
Well hope these make you laugh :) They are story jokes hopefully they will do :D
Prison Escape
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him It was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."
Sick Dad
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'
The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'
Who's This Guy?
after a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
At The End Of The Cave
Three men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back.
"I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The first man runs away.
They hear the voice again.
"I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"
The second man runs away.
The voice comes once more.
"I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The last man bravely walks on.
And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose.
Spit Ball
Teacher: Whoever answers this question can go home now one hour early
Student: Accidentally shoots a spit ball at his teacher
Teacher: who shot that spit ball
Student: I did by mistake. See you tomorrow.
The Next Cubicle
A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
"Hey, hows it going?"
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
"What are you up to?"
Somewhat relunctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"
He heard the voice again.
"Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some wise a.ss in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!
Shelly
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly. Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.
One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.
When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym.
"Shelly, don't do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear." said her mother.
What the big deal was, Shelly didn't understand.
The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.
Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment.
"Didn't I tell you, young lady?" fumed her mother. "He just wants to see your underwear!"
"But Mommy, I tricked him," said Shelly. "Today I didn't wear any underwear!"
Answer2
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at
a stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.
Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the
seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts
banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there
with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ***, Buddy!
"
The truck driver just laughs and says, "Blow me!"
The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,
"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"
Answer3
little tim walked into his mom and dads room and saw them screwing and had gotten upset and stormed out and the father said i better go talk to little timmy and as he walked passed gmama,s room there was timmy pumping grani and the dad says timmy what are you doing all upset and timmy says not so funny when its your mom is it.three guys broke down at a farmers driveway and tells them they can stay in the barn but stay away from the house so they do but the farmers young daughter goes to the barn and wants it from all three and the farmer catches them and at gun point makes them go to the field and pick a vegitable and the first comes back wth a bushel of corn and the farmer makes him shove a few up his *** and he runs away the second comes back with cumombers and the farmer makes him shove them and the guy is giggleing and the farmer says whats wrong with you do you like that he says joe his friend the last of three is picking melons.
Answer4
Whats another reason why Cinderella had to be home by midnight?
Because at the stroke of midnight,her diaphragm turns into a trampoline.
Answer5
what do you tell a woman with two black eye's?
nothing. you already told her twice.
