i will pick the funniest joke in 4 hours i go by how much i laugh and how many thumbs up u get so good luck and try not to laugh to hard hahaha
Answer
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral."
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. 'But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. 'What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. 'But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. 'What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
Answer2
There is this boy and a girl and they've been dating for a while now and the girl asks the boy to come over for dinner because her parents want to meet him for the first time! Now they're both virgins and the girl said that after dinner that they would go up to her room and have sex for the first time. Well the boy is excited and decides he should go to the pharmacy and talk to the pharmacist about getting condoms. The boy goes to the goes to the pharmacist and says him and his girlfriend is going to have sex tonight for the first time and that he needs some condoms. Well the pharmacists asks if he needs the 6 pack or 12 pack, and the boys says well since it's our first time I better get the 12 pack because we might be at it for a while! Well when the couple shows up at the girls house and meets the family the boy immediately goes straight to the kitchen table with out saying a word and sits down! When everyone gets the kitchen the boy offers to say grace, and after they bow their heads, 30 minutes go by and no one has still said a word! The girl finally leans over and tells her boy friend that she didn't know he was so religious! The boy says well I didn't know your father was the pharmacist!
NEXT JOKE: Heaven is only allowing 1/3 of everyone into heaven, and this time there's 3 guys who have died and is waiting to get into heaven. Well St. Peter tells them that only 1 can enter and he'll choose by allowing the man who has died the worst death into heaven!
Well the first guy says that he had gotten home early from work, and was suspecting that his wife had been cheating on him! He said since he was home early that he would surprise her and since they live on the 11 floor of a 13 floor apartment building there was no way he could escape. Well when he get there he noticed she was in the shower and decided to snoop around a bit. After a while of snooping he was relieved that he found no one, so he decided to go out on the balcony for a bit of fresh air. He said when he got out there there was a man hanging on the edge by his fingertips. Well he was furious because this man was with his wife and he was trying to get away. So out of fury the man starting stomping on his fingers until he finally made the man fall. When he landed he noticed he was still alive so he grabbed the refridgerator and dropped on the man to finish him off. He said he felt just awful and pulled a gun out and shot himself!
The second guy said that he lives on the 13th floor of his building and was on his balcony enjoying a pretty day reading when a big gust of wind blew the paper out of his hand. He said he reached out for it when he slipped and fell over. He had got lucky and grabbed on the balcony 2 floors before his until this crazy man started stomping on his fingers. He said he held on as long as he could and then fell. He noticed that he had landed in some bushes and was hurt and couldn't but still alive until this refridgerator landed on him which ended his life.
St. Peter was mouth just dropped and reluctantly asked how the 3rd man died.
The 3rd guys said ok imagine this.....naked insided a refridgerator!
NEXT JOKE: Heaven is only allowing 1/3 of everyone into heaven, and this time there's 3 guys who have died and is waiting to get into heaven. Well St. Peter tells them that only 1 can enter and he'll choose by allowing the man who has died the worst death into heaven!
Well the first guy says that he had gotten home early from work, and was suspecting that his wife had been cheating on him! He said since he was home early that he would surprise her and since they live on the 11 floor of a 13 floor apartment building there was no way he could escape. Well when he get there he noticed she was in the shower and decided to snoop around a bit. After a while of snooping he was relieved that he found no one, so he decided to go out on the balcony for a bit of fresh air. He said when he got out there there was a man hanging on the edge by his fingertips. Well he was furious because this man was with his wife and he was trying to get away. So out of fury the man starting stomping on his fingers until he finally made the man fall. When he landed he noticed he was still alive so he grabbed the refridgerator and dropped on the man to finish him off. He said he felt just awful and pulled a gun out and shot himself!
The second guy said that he lives on the 13th floor of his building and was on his balcony enjoying a pretty day reading when a big gust of wind blew the paper out of his hand. He said he reached out for it when he slipped and fell over. He had got lucky and grabbed on the balcony 2 floors before his until this crazy man started stomping on his fingers. He said he held on as long as he could and then fell. He noticed that he had landed in some bushes and was hurt and couldn't but still alive until this refridgerator landed on him which ended his life.
St. Peter was mouth just dropped and reluctantly asked how the 3rd man died.
The 3rd guys said ok imagine this.....naked insided a refridgerator!
Answer3
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.
Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.
The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
The joystick is wet.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!
Blonde Inventions
1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-ty
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.
Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.
The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
The joystick is wet.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!
Blonde Inventions
1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-ty
Answer4
these jokes aren't even funny anymore. ppl just keep copying and pasting them from other people. you want to laugh just look at the other question about who can make them laugh or whatever and all the same jokes are on there. blah... disgusting.
Answer5
You know Lew Alcinder changed his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Cassius Clay changed his name to Mohammed Ali. Did you know that Buckwheat changed his name, too? He is now
Kareem of Wheat
Kareem of Wheat
Answer6
how can u tell a blond has been on your computer
by the wite out on the screen
by the wite out on the screen
Answer7
How did the boy fall off his bike?
Someone threw a fridge at him...
Someone threw a fridge at him...
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